As an already divorced or currently divorcing woman, you may be feeling a wide range of emotions. One night you might be crying yourself to sleep and the next finds you wide awake plotting your ideal revenge scenario. You may feel angry, betrayed, helpless, hopeless, worried, ashamed, guilty, or unworthy of love. You might find yourself doubting decisions you’ve made or fighting insecure feelings when you used to be confidant. If you have children, you’re probably worried sick about how they’ll react to the transition and what the impact of the divorce will be on them. You may even wonder if you’ve made the right decision.
Divorce erodes your belief system about what is true in life. The belief that your happily-ever-after will come true with this person is shattered. As you work to pick up the pieces, you may be feeling like a victim and wondering what you did to deserve this. As a good wife and mother, you didn’t expect that things would end this way. The idea that life is unfair is magnified and all you seek is justice when there really isn’t any such thing in a divorce. You may have thoughts of blame or regret: “If only I’d done this” or “If only he’d done that.” One of the hardest things to accept is that you will probably never get the apology that you feel you deserve.
All of that hurt has to go somewhere—and it does. It may go directly toward your ex or in your legal divorce process. Feeling mad about being put through this or sad thinking you may never have someone to love again, leads to a more painful and prolonged divorce. Many women feel that their lives will never be the same. Just as in death, a grieving process takes place during divorce. Mourning your role as “wife” will take some time and adjustment in a world that seems designed for couples. Friends or family members may not be there for you the way you expected and that too feels like a loss.
One of the kindest—and smartest—things you can do for yourself during this time is to take care of yourself. Whatever your particular divorce situation is, you will need a support system in place to help you through the rough days. As a Roseville therapist, I would help you build self-worth and confidence in yourself so that you are able to create a new life where you feel happy, satisfied, and full of hope knowing that life has a better plan for you. We would work through the intense feelings of divorce (anger, grief, depression, fear), assist you in making sound decisions for yourself and your children, and help you reestablish your identity in life.
Perhaps most importantly, you need to understand that life can still be good. There IS life after divorce! At times it will not seem so, but by talking through your feelings, they will begin to lessen in intensity. Don’t let negative feelings for your ex prevent you from moving toward the life you want—and deserve. Therapy can help you begin to imagine what a new life looks like. Things that are really important to you will crystallize and a plan can be put in place to make those things actually happen.
If you need help in learning to let go of the pain and plan a new start, call me today at (916) 622-3996 for a free 15 minute phone consultation.